Progress and resolution

How sweet and complete it feels to have a resolution in mind. Although, it may be difficult to implement as was sure as hell painful to come by I’ve found a resolution for myself-prescribed romantic qualms. Instead of searching for and constructing someone to be fixated on–I’ve reverted back to oneness and finding solace in my solitude.




It’s one of the most sought after, most complete, and most difficult human capacities. Well, for me at least it has been. How to forgive one without necessarily forgetting the actions they’ve taken against you, the harmful thoughts they’ve said, and the negative feelings they exuded. On the outside looking in it seems so easy for others to just dictate “Just forgive them, why let it linger on?” Then I question whether you can forgive someone in your heart without verbalizing it to those peoples specifically. Perfect case in point: the strenouous and indirectly damaging effects that my grandparents’s actions have had on my morale and my grieving process. While, I understand their actions and the feelings and motives behind how they treated me, I’ve reflected upon it, yearned for their acceptance and aimed to forgive them. However, the physical act of seeing them in the flesh, being surrounded by them all of a sudden I am flooded with the memories of their past acts, sayings, and indirect forms of hurt. Whereas, now sitting in my room a tamarind candle lit, and my favorite Nat King Cole song playing I feel at peace. I feel that within my hearty I have forgiven them, I will never forget how they made me feel and what that did to my confidence, but I understand their “love” has manifested itself in different ways. In their own ways my grandparents and their children will be visited by the feelings of neglect, and guilt for how they’ve treated my siblings and I. Then I ask, can’t my feelings here and now just stay with me when the time comes for me to verbalize my forgiveness? Can’t I feel just as at ease as I am now in my solitude? What is about being around the offenders that invokes feelings of discontent, sadness, and indifference? But really, am I just fooling myself into believing that I truly have forgiven when I can be alone and be at peace–then when faced with the realities that I will have to utter “Grandma and Grandpa, I forgive you”, I’ll slip up and back down. It truly makes me wonder if I truly have forgiven them at all.

In Peace,



Recently, I’ve felt out of touch and inaccessible.

Recently, I have little to no concept of reaching out to others for help

Recently, the people I’ve chosen to put faith in have utterly and completely failed me

Recently, my main sources for support and community have been out of commission

Recently, I’ve retracted back into my own world filled with tons of thoughts, perceptions, and my anxieties

Recently, I cannot see how I once relied on certain people for a variety of things

Thankfully, my support system regardless of how far they are scattered have remained the same

Thankfully, I have outlets to express my discontent, and disappointment

Thankfully, I’m taking the time to articulate how disoriented I’ve been feeling in a positive manner

Thankfully, the group of disappointed people will not be here for much longer

Unfortunately, I will have to mend some of the relationships that are strained

Unfortunately, my home life is still difficult and affecting me 286 miles away

Unfortunately, that strain and stress is hard to explain to others for my own fear of misunderstandings and lack of acceptance

Finally, I know I’ll overcome, persevere, and succeed

Finally, I trust the Lord for he has never failed me–in spite of my daily, hourly, and weekly sins and disobedience

Finally, I understand how frustrating it may be for Him to see me not putting in nearly as much effort, faith, and love that He has in me.

Honestly, I feel relieved after writing this.




Until Then

One day I’ll be less irritable and impatient…until then

One day I’ll stop pushing people away when they try to help me…until then

One day I’ll learn to appreciate opposing perspectives…until then

One day I’ll stop seeing the worst in people and start recognizing their qualities…until then

One day I’ll learn to reach for help when I’m drowning in my own emotions..until then

One day I’ll grow, learn, and appreciate more of my surroundings..until then

One day I’ll love those who persecute me…until then

One day I’ll stop disregarding people’s feelings and start respecting them…until then

One day I’ll strive for happiness and not contentment…until then

One day I’ll be a better, stronger, more emotionally competnent me, until then I accept my flaws, seek to better them, but appreciate my imperfections.






Interesting thought..personally I have almost no straight male friends. I’ve always ended up falling for them.

Captain Awkward

February 5, 2013: Thanks for all the cool comments and discussion, but I can’t keep up with the moderation demands right now. Comments on this entry are now closed.

Yesterday I saw this TweetThe piece linked there asks the question: “Can married women have straight male friends?” and suggests that friendships between straight men and straight women can be very difficult, partially based on a study about how some men and women might view their friendships differently:

Recently a study published in Scientific American stated that women are much more likely to be able to keep male friends platonic, while men have a harder time. The article states that these friendships are masked by a cover-up of sexual impulses by one of the parties. It said that men were far more attracted to their female friends and assumed their female friends felt the same, when they didn’t. Females…

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“Maybe you’ll wait for me–maybe you’re gone”- Sondre Lerche

Waiting to hear back from the tons of teachers, advisors, and abroad counselors I feel as if my  dreams are on hold. Since chosing SLU as the place to sponsor the last leg of shaping my persona, I found it essential to complement this journey with a trip abroad. Only, once have I visited another country. In 2010, I went to Costa Rica for 11 days and it was by far one of the most incredible experiences of my life. At the risk of being cliche, I fear to venture off into naming the ways its changed me. I will say this though, it implanted a wanderlust mentality into my spirit. Along with the debate about course equavilencies and other inconsequential discussions the major conflict is my dream of going abroad is on halt for the realities at hand. Whether or not I can actually picture myself in Tanzania or Cape Town depends on the finalization of things in several different people’s hands. They simple have no idea how agonizing it is for me to not know where exactly I’ll be studying,living, and growing in the Fall or Spring. Until then I suppose I’ll twiddle my thumbs, avoid work I should be doing, and dream of distant lands I may never see.



“Beware because the winds of change they blow, and everything must go…”-The Foreign Exchange

Our celestial presence on this earth are numbered and calculated. Will I chant this to myself everyday, and weigh every action and choice as if it were my last? I know that I should but this is easier said than done. As one of my favorite groups explains the winds of change are blowing. My chaotic relationship with change goes somewhat like this: I love change (weather, new music, new clothes, hairstyles, nail polish etc), but in terms of relationships with others, reminiscing on fond memories I am rather immovable when it comes to that. I love my family  all of our arguing, and hurtful words thrown at each other I would rather this change. But all the family vacations, birthday dinners, and unconventional holiday traditions should never change. Lately, however it seems as if we are all cars speeding down a multi-lane highway towards different destinations, with no regard to the other cars on the road. With this mentality it is only evident that eventually we’ll all split down different exits–or crash into each other. Years ago however we would check our blind spots to ensure we all were okay, now we switch lanes, change life careers and disrespect each other without looking both ways. How can this change? How can we get back to one solid, unified, orderly “lane”. Only through the power of prayer. I know that regardless of how far it seems we stray from each other and moreover from Christ–the one thing that remains unchanged is the love of Christ. My prayer goes as such:

“Dear Lord,

You’ve blessed me with a special and loving family. As of now we feel disconnected from you and from each other. I pray that you remove all barriers and obstacles keeping us from each other and unite us under your love and your words. I ask that you forgive us for forsaking each other and acting selfishlessly. I praise you for all that you’ve blessed us with and I pray that you strengthen us individually, and as a family. We will bless your name forever more.

Your Humble Servant,


I realize that one day everything indeed must go. I hope that before that day I will be able to over come all my inner and external struggles and live in the heights of the human experience and fly to the mountains of ecstasy.

In Peace,


One Lane Highway