Blogging or Journaling

As I prepare for my upcoming trip abroad to Dar es Salaam Tanzania for the Spring semester I’m struggling.

Anxiety about collaborating well with others is a major component,
Contemplation about how I will take in all my experiences albiet through vintage leather-bound journals, or through writing things down in a blog are also serious things to consider. In a sense, I like the accessibility of using blogs to express things I’ve learned, lost, and accomplished. On the other hand, writing is an art craft that can be reviewed through exploring your notes, handwriting etc and feels much more authentic and personal than typing my life away. Also, when I write things out I feel connected to the words as opposed to typing them.

Over the next few weeks I’ll be comparing the journal and blog components and move from there.

It’s always nice to have your thoughts floating somewhere besides your head- so blogs are nice to capture those feelings in a space to be viewed by all.

Until then,
R

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Where’s the off switch?

Where’s the switch to make all these negative whiny feelings disappear. Whole, others bounce back and have no regard for their past feelings mine reappear in less than ideal places and cause unforeseen reactions. Comparing myself to others tends to have a negative effect but at times to see how peers and friends react to things is important. Could it be crippling to spend too much time in solidity te and revere that time so much to the point where interacting with others when it’s optional becomes a burden? Social rules still apply but my desire for these interactions become less and less.

Can we go back …

Can we go back before it all went south? What can I do to change your mind, and talk you back from the ledge? -Bilal “Slipping Away”

While, this song involves two lovers reclaiming their love I relate this more to me and my mother’s current relationship. Last night, while attempting sleep through my oncoming cold, cramped up on my friend’s futon, I started reminiscing about my childhood. I thought of bedtime and the memories associated with it. I thought of the camomille sleepytime bath wash my mother would buy for me when I was extremely tired and in need of comfort. After a bath and getting into pajamas I would ask “Mama, can you rub my back until I fall asleep”. She would crawl into my bed and rub my back as I drifted off into my dreams. For whatever reason, I’ve been having these flashbacks to my childhood and remembering all the amazing things my mother would do for me. I wonder where these thoughts come from and what could they mean. It is not to say that now she doesn’t do caring things for me as she completely supports me at SLU and wishes me the best. However, her attention has shifted to new prospects and other people. Merely, rubbing my back for me to fall asleep won’t just cut it. I feel as if she has the out of sight out of mind mentality with me. But, her suitors have taken the front seat in her life and their interests are preferenced over those of her child living 286 miles away in a foreign city, with foreign people. Instead of reaching out and trying harder to forge these bonds it seems as if she’s drifted further away. Whether or not this is intentional I will not know. I do, however feel as though if this neglect and disconnect is a part of coming into adulthood, then I certainly do not want it. Mostly because her unresponsiveness to texts, calls, and voicemails mostly translates to me dressing in an apathetic cloak however underneath my erratic and overly emotional feelings towards the situation are only exacerbated by the reoccurance of her behaviors. So, what now? I wait until I finish sorting out my issues in therapy? Do I come home and pretend like these issues do not exist all for the sake of having a decent trip home and not one racked with drama, yelling, screaming, and crying? Or, do I do the “grownup” thing and face this semi-truck loaded with unforeseen emotions head on. As for now, I’m unprepared. I’m in a compact car that does not have the capacity to go head to head with the semi-truck. In 2 more weeks of therapy I hope I can come up with solutions to these problems. Whether or not I’ve created these problems all up in my head, I’m unsure of. The doubting myself and denying feelings that truly exist all for the sake of keeping the peace must stop. If it so happens that every trip home I’m creating “hell” as my visits home are often referred to as then, so be it. I care so much and revere the power of family, that I’m willing to play the villain. I have faith in my family and what we all can become, achieve, and accomplish as a unit. We’ve dealt with the ultimate blow to our morale and through therapy we can definitely heal some of the sweltering, festering, pus-filled, wounds. If it takes my headstrong, determined, unrelenting attitude to get everyone on the same page, I will take that responsibility  I will do it and I will be successful.

 

Determined.

Reaux

Untitled

Attempting to explain how incredibly quick I get irritated and shut down is stressful. The rage sets in, all of my irrationalities set in and I feel completely out of control. Instead, I hang up the phone, shut it off and attempt to shut out my thoughts. Rather than running towards the nearest sweet treat, going to bed, or self-injury I head to the library which tends to be a place of solace. Forgetting my failures this week, and looking forward to my future successes I reset, rewind, and rethink my next mode of action.

Until Then

-R

Progress and resolution

How sweet and complete it feels to have a resolution in mind. Although, it may be difficult to implement as was sure as hell painful to come by I’ve found a resolution for myself-prescribed romantic qualms. Instead of searching for and constructing someone to be fixated on–I’ve reverted back to oneness and finding solace in my solitude.

Completely,
Reaux

Forgiveness

It’s one of the most sought after, most complete, and most difficult human capacities. Well, for me at least it has been. How to forgive one without necessarily forgetting the actions they’ve taken against you, the harmful thoughts they’ve said, and the negative feelings they exuded. On the outside looking in it seems so easy for others to just dictate “Just forgive them, why let it linger on?” Then I question whether you can forgive someone in your heart without verbalizing it to those peoples specifically. Perfect case in point: the strenouous and indirectly damaging effects that my grandparents’s actions have had on my morale and my grieving process. While, I understand their actions and the feelings and motives behind how they treated me, I’ve reflected upon it, yearned for their acceptance and aimed to forgive them. However, the physical act of seeing them in the flesh, being surrounded by them all of a sudden I am flooded with the memories of their past acts, sayings, and indirect forms of hurt. Whereas, now sitting in my room a tamarind candle lit, and my favorite Nat King Cole song playing I feel at peace. I feel that within my hearty I have forgiven them, I will never forget how they made me feel and what that did to my confidence, but I understand their “love” has manifested itself in different ways. In their own ways my grandparents and their children will be visited by the feelings of neglect, and guilt for how they’ve treated my siblings and I. Then I ask, can’t my feelings here and now just stay with me when the time comes for me to verbalize my forgiveness? Can’t I feel just as at ease as I am now in my solitude? What is about being around the offenders that invokes feelings of discontent, sadness, and indifference? But really, am I just fooling myself into believing that I truly have forgiven when I can be alone and be at peace–then when faced with the realities that I will have to utter “Grandma and Grandpa, I forgive you”, I’ll slip up and back down. It truly makes me wonder if I truly have forgiven them at all.

In Peace,

Reaux

Recently

Recently, I’ve felt out of touch and inaccessible.

Recently, I have little to no concept of reaching out to others for help

Recently, the people I’ve chosen to put faith in have utterly and completely failed me

Recently, my main sources for support and community have been out of commission

Recently, I’ve retracted back into my own world filled with tons of thoughts, perceptions, and my anxieties

Recently, I cannot see how I once relied on certain people for a variety of things

Thankfully, my support system regardless of how far they are scattered have remained the same

Thankfully, I have outlets to express my discontent, and disappointment

Thankfully, I’m taking the time to articulate how disoriented I’ve been feeling in a positive manner

Thankfully, the group of disappointed people will not be here for much longer

Unfortunately, I will have to mend some of the relationships that are strained

Unfortunately, my home life is still difficult and affecting me 286 miles away

Unfortunately, that strain and stress is hard to explain to others for my own fear of misunderstandings and lack of acceptance

Finally, I know I’ll overcome, persevere, and succeed

Finally, I trust the Lord for he has never failed me–in spite of my daily, hourly, and weekly sins and disobedience

Finally, I understand how frustrating it may be for Him to see me not putting in nearly as much effort, faith, and love that He has in me.

Honestly, I feel relieved after writing this.

 

Peace,

Reaux