Forgiveness

It’s one of the most sought after, most complete, and most difficult human capacities. Well, for me at least it has been. How to forgive one without necessarily forgetting the actions they’ve taken against you, the harmful thoughts they’ve said, and the negative feelings they exuded. On the outside looking in it seems so easy for others to just dictate “Just forgive them, why let it linger on?” Then I question whether you can forgive someone in your heart without verbalizing it to those peoples specifically. Perfect case in point: the strenouous and indirectly damaging effects that my grandparents’s actions have had on my morale and my grieving process. While, I understand their actions and the feelings and motives behind how they treated me, I’ve reflected upon it, yearned for their acceptance and aimed to forgive them. However, the physical act of seeing them in the flesh, being surrounded by them all of a sudden I am flooded with the memories of their past acts, sayings, and indirect forms of hurt. Whereas, now sitting in my room a tamarind candle lit, and my favorite Nat King Cole song playing I feel at peace. I feel that within my hearty I have forgiven them, I will never forget how they made me feel and what that did to my confidence, but I understand their “love” has manifested itself in different ways. In their own ways my grandparents and their children will be visited by the feelings of neglect, and guilt for how they’ve treated my siblings and I. Then I ask, can’t my feelings here and now just stay with me when the time comes for me to verbalize my forgiveness? Can’t I feel just as at ease as I am now in my solitude? What is about being around the offenders that invokes feelings of discontent, sadness, and indifference? But really, am I just fooling myself into believing that I truly have forgiven when I can be alone and be at peace–then when faced with the realities that I will have to utter “Grandma and Grandpa, I forgive you”, I’ll slip up and back down. It truly makes me wonder if I truly have forgiven them at all.

In Peace,

Reaux