Where’s the switch to make all these negative whiny feelings disappear. Whole, others bounce back and have no regard for their past feelings mine reappear in less than ideal places and cause unforeseen reactions. Comparing myself to others tends to have a negative effect but at times to see how peers and friends react to things is important. Could it be crippling to spend too much time in solidity te and revere that time so much to the point where interacting with others when it’s optional becomes a burden? Social rules still apply but my desire for these interactions become less and less.
Can we go back before it all went south? What can I do to change your mind, and talk you back from the ledge? -Bilal “Slipping Away”
While, this song involves two lovers reclaiming their love I relate this more to me and my mother’s current relationship. Last night, while attempting sleep through my oncoming cold, cramped up on my friend’s futon, I started reminiscing about my childhood. I thought of bedtime and the memories associated with it. I thought of the camomille sleepytime bath wash my mother would buy for me when I was extremely tired and in need of comfort. After a bath and getting into pajamas I would ask “Mama, can you rub my back until I fall asleep”. She would crawl into my bed and rub my back as I drifted off into my dreams. For whatever reason, I’ve been having these flashbacks to my childhood and remembering all the amazing things my mother would do for me. I wonder where these thoughts come from and what could they mean. It is not to say that now she doesn’t do caring things for me as she completely supports me at SLU and wishes me the best. However, her attention has shifted to new prospects and other people. Merely, rubbing my back for me to fall asleep won’t just cut it. I feel as if she has the out of sight out of mind mentality with me. But, her suitors have taken the front seat in her life and their interests are preferenced over those of her child living 286 miles away in a foreign city, with foreign people. Instead of reaching out and trying harder to forge these bonds it seems as if she’s drifted further away. Whether or not this is intentional I will not know. I do, however feel as though if this neglect and disconnect is a part of coming into adulthood, then I certainly do not want it. Mostly because her unresponsiveness to texts, calls, and voicemails mostly translates to me dressing in an apathetic cloak however underneath my erratic and overly emotional feelings towards the situation are only exacerbated by the reoccurance of her behaviors. So, what now? I wait until I finish sorting out my issues in therapy? Do I come home and pretend like these issues do not exist all for the sake of having a decent trip home and not one racked with drama, yelling, screaming, and crying? Or, do I do the “grownup” thing and face this semi-truck loaded with unforeseen emotions head on. As for now, I’m unprepared. I’m in a compact car that does not have the capacity to go head to head with the semi-truck. In 2 more weeks of therapy I hope I can come up with solutions to these problems. Whether or not I’ve created these problems all up in my head, I’m unsure of. The doubting myself and denying feelings that truly exist all for the sake of keeping the peace must stop. If it so happens that every trip home I’m creating “hell” as my visits home are often referred to as then, so be it. I care so much and revere the power of family, that I’m willing to play the villain. I have faith in my family and what we all can become, achieve, and accomplish as a unit. We’ve dealt with the ultimate blow to our morale and through therapy we can definitely heal some of the sweltering, festering, pus-filled, wounds. If it takes my headstrong, determined, unrelenting attitude to get everyone on the same page, I will take that responsibility I will do it and I will be successful.
Attempting to explain how incredibly quick I get irritated and shut down is stressful. The rage sets in, all of my irrationalities set in and I feel completely out of control. Instead, I hang up the phone, shut it off and attempt to shut out my thoughts. Rather than running towards the nearest sweet treat, going to bed, or self-injury I head to the library which tends to be a place of solace. Forgetting my failures this week, and looking forward to my future successes I reset, rewind, and rethink my next mode of action.
One Step Forward, Two Steps Back