One day I’ll be less irritable and impatient…until then
One day I’ll stop pushing people away when they try to help me…until then
One day I’ll learn to appreciate opposing perspectives…until then
One day I’ll stop seeing the worst in people and start recognizing their qualities…until then
One day I’ll learn to reach for help when I’m drowning in my own emotions..until then
One day I’ll grow, learn, and appreciate more of my surroundings..until then
One day I’ll love those who persecute me…until then
One day I’ll stop disregarding people’s feelings and start respecting them…until then
One day I’ll strive for happiness and not contentment…until then
One day I’ll be a better, stronger, more emotionally competnent me, until then I accept my flaws, seek to better them, but appreciate my imperfections.
Waiting to hear back from the tons of teachers, advisors, and abroad counselors I feel as if my dreams are on hold. Since chosing SLU as the place to sponsor the last leg of shaping my persona, I found it essential to complement this journey with a trip abroad. Only, once have I visited another country. In 2010, I went to Costa Rica for 11 days and it was by far one of the most incredible experiences of my life. At the risk of being cliche, I fear to venture off into naming the ways its changed me. I will say this though, it implanted a wanderlust mentality into my spirit. Along with the debate about course equavilencies and other inconsequential discussions the major conflict is my dream of going abroad is on halt for the realities at hand. Whether or not I can actually picture myself in Tanzania or Cape Town depends on the finalization of things in several different people’s hands. They simple have no idea how agonizing it is for me to not know where exactly I’ll be studying,living, and growing in the Fall or Spring. Until then I suppose I’ll twiddle my thumbs, avoid work I should be doing, and dream of distant lands I may never see.
Our celestial presence on this earth are numbered and calculated. Will I chant this to myself everyday, and weigh every action and choice as if it were my last? I know that I should but this is easier said than done. As one of my favorite groups explains the winds of change are blowing. My chaotic relationship with change goes somewhat like this: I love change (weather, new music, new clothes, hairstyles, nail polish etc), but in terms of relationships with others, reminiscing on fond memories I am rather immovable when it comes to that. I love my family all of our arguing, and hurtful words thrown at each other I would rather this change. But all the family vacations, birthday dinners, and unconventional holiday traditions should never change. Lately, however it seems as if we are all cars speeding down a multi-lane highway towards different destinations, with no regard to the other cars on the road. With this mentality it is only evident that eventually we’ll all split down different exits–or crash into each other. Years ago however we would check our blind spots to ensure we all were okay, now we switch lanes, change life careers and disrespect each other without looking both ways. How can this change? How can we get back to one solid, unified, orderly “lane”. Only through the power of prayer. I know that regardless of how far it seems we stray from each other and moreover from Christ–the one thing that remains unchanged is the love of Christ. My prayer goes as such:
You’ve blessed me with a special and loving family. As of now we feel disconnected from you and from each other. I pray that you remove all barriers and obstacles keeping us from each other and unite us under your love and your words. I ask that you forgive us for forsaking each other and acting selfishlessly. I praise you for all that you’ve blessed us with and I pray that you strengthen us individually, and as a family. We will bless your name forever more.
Your Humble Servant,
I realize that one day everything indeed must go. I hope that before that day I will be able to over come all my inner and external struggles and live in the heights of the human experience and fly to the mountains of ecstasy.
The idea of salvation from both Christ and from humanity is one of the hundreds of thousands of thoughts that run through my mind each day. Reflecting on my many errors, wrong paths taken, and disobedience–I wonder if I’m worth saving. I wonder why when at times I have no strength to save myself or lift my achy, weak, down-trodden spirits, how one word from the Lord has the ability to erase all my negative thoughts. Alternatively, how those words make me think “Will I ever move from this place?” and “Will I ever stop making the same mistakes?” And at what costs will I overcome all my evils, and temptations and how will that feel. The stress of weighing all my decisions, compounded with the constant questioning “Well look at what they’re doing, do they feel this bad?” seems never-ending, but I know it is not warranted. In terms of losing my own humanity, and whether or not they can to an extent “save me”, seems close to home also. The human experience has allowed me to experience a range of emotions from extreme euphoria, to the depths and the abysses of my at times eerily dark, psyche. It was a human who physically lifted me from the ground, as a I felt my soul sinking into the earth. But, it was the word of God, that reminded me that this state was not permanent. So goes my favorite phrase “Trust me dear, it’s only temporary”. Hopefully, as I dive into the “blog-osphere”, I’ll get better at this and learn the do’s and don’ts. But, as for now accept this sincere, severely disorganized blog post.
Exodus 15:2 “The LORD is my strength and my song, and he is become my salvation: he is my God, and I will prepare him an habitation; my father’s God, and I will exalt him.”